So, a lot of you have been asking me, why I haven’t been updating the blog, why I haven’t been putting effort into anything, not answering daily emails, doing regular posts and so fourth…
So, here is my answer…..
DEPRESSED : DRAINED : EXHAUSTED : ALL OVER THE PLACE : NOT HAPPY
Okay, so as most of you know, I write Chiffon Souffle it’s my true passion, it’s what I love, and it makes me happy.
I was thinking to myself what I would do with my life, if I didn’t have my blog, and I literally felt like I would go insane.
I don’t know what would take up my free time, and I don’t know how I would handle “bad days”, or getting my mind off of certain things in life that make me sad.
I’ve given up most of my “typical twenties activities” to work on it, and staying home on weekends, just to focus on keeping it being moved forward.
So, with that being said, I’ve been working on my blog for a total of almost 4 years now….
I haven’t given up yet, even though I’ve felt like giving up many times.
My blog has a huge viewership, over 70,000 social media followers, and every single time a new post is up, it’s the most talked about post of the day.
Sure, I go to red carpet events, I get invited to A list parties, I get featured in online magazines, I get to hang out with “celebrities”, I’ve made friends with “celebrities”, but to me, celebrities are just normal people that have worked extra hard to achieve their creative dream, and they don’t work the typical 9 to 5 office job. That’s all that is.
Days on end, people constantly tell me “you are so lucky!”, or “you’re only 25 and you’ve done so much!”, and then people tell me “you’re 25, you still have so much time!”, but for me time is so precious… I could be here today, and gone tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll live till I’m 90, I’d like to, but nobody knows how long they’ll be here, so to me, time is everything. Yes, I’m so thankful for all of the opportunities I’ve had, so thankful…
The only problem now is that I’m stuck. I’m not sure where. Creatively stuck, or just stuck.
My dad CONSTANTLY tells me, you got to do something about this blog, you have to do something! Meaning I should be WAY farther then I am now. People have literally told me “I bet you make over 10,000 a month off your blog”, and all I do is laugh, because i don’t, but that seems to be what everyone thinks.
The reason why I’m not where I’m suppose to be, I have to wonder if it’s because I’m not skinny enough like every other blogger, but I don’t want to be like everyone else, maybe it’s because my writing sucks, but then why would I have viewers, why would people like and favorite things.
Then, when I ask for advice from certain people on what to do, all I get are un needed answers that I don’t need to hear, because their telling me this, so it can only benefit them, or people will tell me advice, but then say something to cut me down because it makes them feel better and I hate that.
I am so lucky for those few friends that have just kept pushing me forward with nothing but positive advice, and positivity that benefits me, and they aren’t just out for themselves. Those are real friends that you should keep forever and ever. Friends that will love you for you, not based off of your personal life or career decisions.
This past week, I was approached by a management group, telling me that I was “halfway” there for them to bring me on board, but I wasn’t all the way there because my following wasn’t “large” enough. Right.
When your a blogger it’s so hard to pitch yourself to brands for collaborations, as it’s easier when your pitched by a management firm, agency or group. Then brands will take you much more seriously.
For months, I feel like I keep pitching myself to agencies/management firms, etc, and I am not getting the right results. It’s beyond hard here in LA to judge who is out for just taking your money, and who is actually there to believe in you, well taking a percentage of your work. Lately, all I feel like people want is just to take, take, take and deliver poor results. They say that they are there for you, but their really not. It’s all BS.
This past month has been an emotional roller coaster with my personal life and my career life, I just want to scream as to why things in life can’t just work the way that you want them to.
Do I keep going? Is this a sign from God that I’m never going to get anywhere? Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Have I hit the mid 20s crisis?
All I want is somebody/anybody to believe in me because everyone is here for a reason and to do what makes them happy.
Maybe I just need a validated answer that everything’s going to be okay, or maybe I just need to check out of life for a bit because lately it just seems like everything is fake, everyone is out for themselves, nobody wants to help you, life is just about money, and frankly again people just care about themselves.
Maybe it’s this industry, maybe I just need to stop being a hermit, maybe I just need to chill out.
I will never forget the day that I worked for a stylist, who I was told not to work for because she was the “meanest in Hollywood”, and that if I made it a week with her, I was basically a fly on her wall.
I ended up working with her for months, along with 13 hour days, but I’ll never forget the very first day when she pulled me into her office, she asked me a few very personal questions, and I just said “Just throw everything my way, I can handle anything”, and the very last day I worked with her, she told me I had thick skin and that I was going to make it far in life.
There’s never a day that I’ve not believed in this quote, but I’m simply just wondering why life has left me feeling the way that I have been, and when will things start happening the way I want them to.